Hey, I hope you're doing well. I am updating from my phone. It's currently 1:55 in the morning. I have to be up at 8 to get ready for my grandpa's funeral at 10. Kiersten is snoozin, the TV is flashing around the logo for the DVD player, the room is dimly lit by purple Christmas lights.

Today has been crazy. I went out last night and went home with a man that I have been talking to and was awoken around 7am to kiersten calling to let me know that korrin was in a rollover accident and was in the hospital. She got really lucky, she walked away essentially unscathed. Her car landed upside down, she was being suspended, held by her seatbelt.

I was given a ride to the hospital in Alvin from League City and on the way there we drove past korrin's car after it was put on the flatbed of a tow truck. Seeing that made me very emotional. I got to the hospital and waited for kiersten to arrive from Houston before going in and hanging with korrin for a few hours. I am so glad she is okay. If I lost one of my best friends, the grief would be unbearable.

Oddly enough, sharing this is making me feel better than I was when I started writing this.. or.. it's distracting me from the thoughts that have started to consume me. I think I've made a terrible mistake by moving to New Mexico. And that idea horrifies me. What the fuck am I doing? I can't explain how intense the emotions running through me are. My heart is pounding. I was crying while thinking about this before I started writing.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family there, and I love my best friend there, Sam. But it is not enough. I am completely, utterly unfulfilled. I have spent the last 9 months longing for something. Denying the thoughts that I am facing in this moment. I miss Houston so much. I miss my friends. I miss going out to all of my favorite spots. Just, LIVING. I MISS LIVING. I have been lying to myself for months trying to convince myself that I made the right decision but I know for a fact in my heart that I haven't. And this trip has shown me that.

I am so depressed. I don't want this trip to end. I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life. What the fuck do I do? What can I do? I just want to be happy. I want to be around my friends. I hate feeling like this.

The only good thing that can come out of living in NM is the possibility of free college. I have no idea what I want to do. There are a few paths that I can see for myself. I can stay in New Mexico and be fucking miserable and bored. I could impulsively move back to Texas with no plan, but I would be around my friends, and happy. Or, I could stay in New Mexico just for the free college, then move back and find a spot for myself.

I feel the passing of time now more than ever. I am 24 years old. My youth is finite and I really need to get my ass in gear and figure out what the fuck it is that I want. What am I doing? I have no fucking clue! I feel that I have wasted so much time. I don't want to wake up one day and feel as if it's too late.

Well. I suppose I should stop this here. It's 2:20AM now. I need to be awake in less than 6 hours. I am feeling very tender right now. I am glad I got all of this out. I feel only slightly better, but a little is always better than nothing. I will be okay one day. I will look back at this and smile. I just wish I could get to that point quickly. I am excited to go out tomorrow night. Thanks for reading this, if you cared to. I'll see you later.

My grandpa passed away just before midnight last night. I am devastated. My website will see little to no changes until late December or January of next year. I will see you later.

"And I wanna believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
Yeah, I try to believe you
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be
It always turns out to be a different way
I try to believe you
Not today, today, today, today, today

I don't know how I'll feel
Tomorrow, tomorrow
And I
Don't know what to say
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is a different day

It's always been up to you
It's turnin' around, it's up to me
I'm gonna do what I have to do
Just don't

Give me a little time
Leave me alone a little while
And maybe it's not too late
Not today, today, today, today, today

I don't know how I'll feel
Tomorrow, tomorrow
And I
Don't know what to say
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is a different day

And I know I'm not ready
Maybe tomorrow
I'm not ready
Maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
Yeah, I try to believe you
Not today, today, today, today, today

Tomorrow, it may change
Tomorrow, it may change
Tomorrow, it may change
Tomorrow, it may change"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That is how I have been feeling. Right after I made my last post, my stomach got a little upset. That turned into me tossing and turning all night in excruciating pain. I puked over and over and over. I don't think I got more than an hour of sleep that night. The pain was UNBEARABLE. My stomach started hurting worse from puking up nothing all night. I was tense all over my torso, my back was KILLING ME. The only thing I had to eat that day was breakfast. so idk if it was that or maybe I just got some random stomach bug. I haven't drank since the 13th so I don't think it was that? idk.

I had to be at work at 6AM. I got ready and left around 5:40 and I was so delirious from lack of sleep and food. I made it to work and puked all the water I had drank outside of my car... My coworker that was supposed to be with me that morning called in. I went inside, clocked in, puked in the trash can behind the register, then went into the break room. I just laid down and went in and out of consciousness, puking occasionally, from 6am to around 7:50ish. I texted my manager and the ASM around 7:25am begging for help lmfao. The ASM called me around 7:50 and came in to rescue me.

I took out the trash that I had puked in before clocking out. I had to lay on the ground for like 10 minutes before I felt okay enough to drive. I got home, stripped to my underwear, and got in bed. The puking stopped a few hours ago. I am able to hold in water but my stomach still hurts.

I haven't eaten in like 24 hours but the thought of food makes me sick. I think I am going to go back to sleep... I am so out of it. I hope you're doing better than I am. Everything will be okay eventually! bye :D

oh also no update on my grandpa yet... ugh.

update 1:38pm: My aunt said he started gurgling. When that started with my grandma, she died shortly after. It'll be today or tomorrow. I'm going to start looking for flights.

I just got home from work and loaded a bowl, I wanted to get some thoughts out before I smoke and take sexy nsfw pics on my webcam. I worked 1:30 to 10 today. But don't worry, you can bet your ass I got paid to do jack shit all day. I hung out with my coworkers and listened to music all of my shift. I have been really into Metric (um... DUH) lately. Been listening to their first 3 albums on repeat. I give way too much attention to "Old World Underground, Where Are You Now?". Live It Out & Grow Up and Blow Away are fucking amazing albums.

Anywaysss. I wore a birthday boy pin at work all day and had some nice people wish me a happy birthday. Everyone thinks I am 19/20???? I have no idea HOW my skin is still smooth after all the years of chain smoking cigs and drinking I did in high school... I mean, I don't smoke cigs anymore but I do vape.. And I drink every now and then these days, compared to like ... 2020-2022 when I was drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY. Bitch I was struggling back in Texas. It's obvious when you read my old posts on here, I was NEVER sober. I used to cope with things in very unhealthy ways.

oops! oversharing...... Moving on I straightened my hair and it looks cute now that my hair is pretty long. If I like any of the pix I am about to take on my webcam, I'll post it here so u can see. I think I might straighten my hair more often.

Okay obviously I didn't wait to smoke until finishing this so I started rambling.. I am stopping myself here! I need to make some more updates around other parts of my site, rather than just updating this page with my incessant ramblings. I will get to that soon. I am going to go smoke more and take hot pics. I hope that you're doing well. CHECK OUT THE SONG BELOW BY METRIC! I will see you later.

(listen to the song, it means a lot to me)

"You say that you hate me
And I love to call you baby
Darling I've been havin trouble sleepin
Goin out all of the weekend
And I don't know anymore
But you still show up anyway
In my dreams you're speakin to me
Please leave me alone, please leave me"

Hey, it's my birthday! I am 24 years old. blah. I cried for a while after the post I made last night and then joined a discord call with korrin and like 9 other people. I was like uhhhh WHO am I crying in front of rn?? But i knew like half of them.. lmfao. We played 7 days to die for a bit but I was too drunk so I just sat here and enjoyed their company. Talking to them made me feel a lot better.

I went to bed at like midnight and started crying again until I fell asleep. I woke up at 5:30am with horrible anxiety and now I am here! It is about to be 7am. I have been feeling existential about my birthday, and now with everything going on with my grandpa. I am just really fucking sad.

I woke up yesterday morning to this text from my aunt updating me on my grandpas condition:

"Papa's personal care home met with hospice and they are stopping all of dad's medicine today and basically only giving him water and swabbing his mouth with wet swabs. He's choking on everything. They're just trying to make him comfortable and hospice will be visiting all weekend."

It is sounding like this is his time. I have had years to come to terms with this, so it isn't a shock. But the pain is still immeasurable. My grandparents raised me for most of my life, and then I took care of them towards the end of theirs. I had a very difficult relationship with them growing up, especially with my grandma. I don't want to talk about that right now.

But yeah. I need to start looking for flights to texas for next week. I haven't wrapped my head around what's going on, it doesn't feel real. I am going to be in texas next week?? For my grandpa's funeral?? What is going on.

Years ago, when I was deep into taking care of them, I used to lie in bed at night and try to imagine what this moment would look like. I never imagined I would be where I am, and I am overall pretty happy with how things have turned out. I can't believe that part of my life is over. It consumed me for years. Now I just have to pick up the pieces and learn how to cope and find happiness within myself.

Life sucks. I'm gonna get stoned and watch Degrassi. Maybe tease random men on tinder.. or maybe do some online shopping.. I am coping!! I'll see you later.

I just got home from hanging out with sam.. we were doin shots for my birthday bitch I AM DRUNK!!! I am about to play games with korrin.. I just wanted to pop in and say hello... so.. hi.. tee hee.

ummm i hate to change the tone but uhh.. I do not know how to put this other than my grandpa is dying and I am going to texas like.. next week. I .. ugh. I am drunk. I will explain this better later when i wake up tomorrow. I woke up to a text from my aunt this morning letting me know that this is pretty much the last week of my grandpas life. I will post the screenshot of the text I got tomorrow.. I am too drunk to do all of that righht now. sorry!

um but yeah I am buying a plane ticket to texas soon... I will probably be there for at least a week. I am going to stay with kiersten and korrin at their house.. I am SO GOING TO NUMBERS!!!! GOING TO GO CLUBBING AND SHAKE MY ASS!! despite the circumstances........ LMFAO. Idk...... it is so weird. I came to terms with the fact that I would be losing my grandparents years ago. My grandpa got diagnosed with alzheimers in 2017 and I took care of him with my grandma until dementia got her in late 2021 and I was pretty much by myself taking care of them.. I didnt talk about that much on my website when it was happening.. 2017- early 2023 were really fucking hard years for me. Taking care of my grandparents really took a toll on me. I never talked about that stuff here much!! ahhhhhhh. my grandma died last year, in september. I didn't post much about it. I was going to make a memorial page, but never did. I might get around to that soon, making one for her and one for my grandpa.

I can probably explain everything better tomorrrow.. when I am sober. Idk. Life feels really weird right now. It feels like that chapter of my life is finally coming to a close. I have lost both of my grandparents. The people that raised me. AHHGGJGAK!!! Idk. LIFE IS SO WEIRD.

OKAY. I have started sobbing my eyes out. I will update again soon. I will see you later.

I finally updated the code for this page! It was difficult for me to
work with. The page had a damn stroke when I tried to get a little
more creative with my posts. A while back I spent a couple hours trying to get it to work and failed. I just tried again and managed to simplify the code a bit and get it the way I want. It had been essentially the same since 2019.

The style is the same, so the changes aren't THAT noticable. I just hope I will be able to place pics and text where I want them without screwing everything up.. we'll see.
That's all I have to say for now! I hope you're doing well. I'll see you later.

LMFAOOOO. I woke up this morning to find out that "Enron was back". I thought it was real at first and then I did some digging and it is FAKE! Like anybody would trust the Enron name after what they did 20 years ago. I am in the middle of reading the book that was released alongside the documentary that I recommended a few posts back, "Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room". So I was like !!!omg!!! when I saw everything.

EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ENRON SHOULD WATCH THE DOCUMENTARY. Click the link below to watch on Youtube for free:



And you should read the book. I'm only a few hundred pages into it, but it goes into much further detail than the documentary.

Check out the Enron website HERE!

I'll see you later, I gotta get ready for work. I hope you're doing well!