Okay. Here's the shorter post. I haven't been working on my website too much recently, no big changes at least. I've let real life consume me.

The last big changes I made were:

★ Making the Faerybabyy shrine, check it out if you haven't yet!
★ Updated my friends page. It's kind of an assault on the eyes, but I like it, so, It stays for now.
★ I've extended my index page a LOT. It's only going to get longer.
★Updated the answers to my MySpace surveys page. Check it out! I also LOVE to read other people's answers, so PLEASE copy and paste it on your website! Answer them! Tell me about it so I can stalk you and read your mind.

current ideas / plans:

★ Updating the iPod on my home page
★ Uploading more pictures to my main pics page, as well as the pages for cameras that are on my "cool shit" page.
★ Extending my home page even more. I have so many ideas. And I kind of want that scroll box of images to be shorter.. but the current length has grown on me. Gonna figure something out.. Idk.
★ More shrines! Jeanne Robertson, Half-Life, The Sims 2. I HAVE TOO MANY IDEAS TO LIST.
★ Redesigning my social media links page. That shit is chopped as hell. That pic of me is from 2023.
★ Speaking of links, my main links page has gone without any big changes for at least a year. It needs to be revamped. I love the style, I just need to link to more websites!

I think that's about all I can come up with this moment. I know I have a laundry list of things to do and pages to add.. All will be done in time. I hope you're doing well. I'm going to take a shot or two, listen to music, and work on my website. Catch you around. Listen to this song, I love Vicious Pink:
" You are always asking if I'm true.
You want to know just what I do all of those nights I'm not with you.
I'm sure that if I told you, it would hurt, and so I just won't say a word.
Except I'm not your kind of girl.

I try to be good, I try to be true, I just couldn't help it and I'm sorry we're through.
I try to be good, and I try to be true, but I am not your kind of girl.

Don't sit around and wait for any calls because it's over.
I won't ring at all. Your disposition drives me up the wall.
I told you not to leave flowers or leave parcels at my door.
I'm not the kind that you buy chocolates for.
Why can't you see that you're becoming a bore? "

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I don't know what I'm saying.. this might just be a lot of nonsense put together..

Man, life has been interesting. Finally came to terms with a few different situations, which was mostly just me thinking "Why do I worry or care about people that don't reciprocate?". I also need to work on communicating my feelings and altering my expectations.. But also, I will not allow room for people to take advantage of me.

If something intrudes on my peace of mind, I cut it out of my life. Past friends, lovers, family, I don't care. Most everything can be solved with honest communication.. But I'm a hypocrite because I am quick to just completely cut people off without first speaking my mind. But, I only do so because either I feel like I know they won't understand, or because I don't think they deserve an explanation once they overstep my boundaries. I've already made up my mind, I'm not going to let you worm your way back in.

Maybe that's a bit immature. Well, it is. I would like to be better at communicating, but I struggle to care sometimes. Although, I must admit, It's frustrating that I end things without explaining myself, leaving that person to feel that they did nothing wrong. How will people know they hurt me if I don't speak up?

I have good people in my life that have been and forever will be constants. I am self assured, I don't NEED anything or anyone. I am good with what I got. I will always love making friends and meeting people, but I am wary, and very quick to preserve my own well-being first.

The best thing I've ever been told is "If they wanted to, they would". And I agree with that statement heavily. When I want to, I do. When I care about someone, nothing keeps me from being there for them. And if that person in your life isn't giving you what you need, or what you ask for, they never will. Believe people when they show you who they are, you can't change them. You're going to have to think about if it's something you're willing to put up with in the future, and if not, you're best without them. And that goes for everyone, including me. I'm not everyones cup of tea, and my ways will rub some people the wrong way, while others won't mind. It's a process..

I also love "He's just not into you" when I talk about "if they wanted to". I will NEVER beg a man to love me. I am happier being alone rather than dealing with men who only want me for sex, but will tell me what I want to hear to get it. No, fuck you. This quote from Closer (2004) has always resonated with me:

"Where is this 'love'? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it.
I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."

I relate to that sentiment a lot.

I do NOT think I am perfect. I live without ulterior motives, and I would never use someone. I find that a lot of people have motives that they keep hidden while using people to get what they want. Everything I do and say comes from a genuine place, even if it's naive or delusional. I'm still figuring life out. So sure, maybe you could argue that I want to be given the grace that I don't give to others. I've just put up with a lot of bullshit while keeping my mouth shut to not "rock the boat". I'm trying to navigate finding a more mature, healthy way of going about that.

ANYWAYS, THAT WAS A LOT! I had to vent, or just ramble, I don't know! Obviously I've cut a few people off recently. There was no point to all that, but, well.. here we are. Okay, let's move on to some less intense shit. Here's what I've been up to lately.

★ Per my last post, I spent all day that Friday with Sam at the lake. Can't remember too much since It's been a couple weeks, but I know it was a good time. It was the usual. Eating snacks, having drinks, listening to music, getting sun, and swimming. Here's some pics I took that day:



★ Okay, so I mentioned that I had a California trip possibly happening next month, THANKFULLY it isn't happening. I've been stressing, trying to get a time frame from my mom so that I could request off of work. Turns out it's "crush" time at my stepdad's winery, so he is going to be BUSY for a bit. My mom mentioned rescheduling for November, so, we will see. That'd be a nice trip right before visiting Houston in December. Plus, it might be my last chance at a family trip before I move back to Houston.. more info on that when those plans are more concrete, JUST IN CASE.

★ I guess this doesn't need it's own part, but, yeah. I'm 100% visiting Houston in December! I can't remember what days exactly, but it's about 2 weeks. I still have to buy my ticket. I can't wait to see Kiersten and Korrin, that is my priority. Now I HAVE to do a better job this time at making plans with everyone. The last time I was in Houston, I was just hanging at Kiersten's apartment for most of it. I had too many people wanting to see me, got overwhelmed, and didn't make any plans. Thankfully MOST of my friends were understanding.. It's going to be so much easier to nuture all of my friendships once I move back. I can't promise that I'll make plans this time either.. but I'll try. Kiersten and Korrin feel like home to me, they are my go-to people. I talk to them every day. They come first, always.

★ I have fallen in love with my cat and she will be with me forever and ever. Not that I wasn't already in love, I just thought I was going to foster her. I am not. I'm taking her to Texas with me. She has helped me out in so many ways that I didn't expect. I always told myself I wasn't responsible enough to take care of an animal. But the realization that she depends on me has really given me a kick in the ass. I take care of her as best as I can, and she seems happy. She'd like some more time outside, but I get nervous with the wild animals we have around here. Especially at night. I'm figuring it out. I am surprisingly on top of making sure her needs are met, even if mine aren't. But that's what you're supposed to do.

★ I've also been taking care of a family of strays that've taken over my barn. 2 adults and 2 kittens. The kittens are so sweet, and my cat wants to be their friend so bad. They communicate through my sliding glass door everyday. I feed them and give em water, they won't come close but I can tell they want my love. They just don't trust me yet. I'll be adding some pics of them to my main pictures page.

I think that's about all for now. Life's been pretty uneventful overall. I work a lot and have been sucked into playing Fallout 4 again. When I'm not doing that, I'm either just hanging out in a call or playing games with Kiersten, Korrin, and Cres. Korrin is currently in the UK visiting her boyfriend, and I think that is so sweet.

OKAY this post has gone on for too long, so I will end it here. I think I'm just going to make a seperate post to talk about changes I've made around here, plus future ideas. I hope you're doing well!

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Just making a quick post to say that I finally made a shrine for Faerybabyy. I spent most of my day off on Monday making it while hanging out with Korrin, Kiersten, and Cres. Check it out here! She also just released a new song called "lakeside". It came at a good time because I've been crying to it on repeat. It's a beautiful track, I can't wait for the new album.

Plus it reminds me, I'll be at the lake with Sam all day this Friday. I miss her. I can't wait to hang out by the water, soaking in the sun and listening to music. Floating and catching up. Eating snacks. Smokin.. Maybe I should buy a pack of cigs too... hmmm.. Anyways. That's about all I have to say for now. Check out Faerybabyy's new song plus some other songs I like. I'll see you later.






^I LOVE THIS SONG^

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I'm finally archiving the posts that were on here. It was getting to be too much and this page took forever to load, especially with all the music I embed. The new page will be linked down below with all of my other posts I've made since 2018 (embarrassing times). I am starting fresh, hello.

I've been using my Gateway2000 Vivitron monitor from 1997 for the last few days. I got the urge to use it to replay GTA III, which turned into me playing Vice City. Then today I started playing Fallout Tactics. I played it like once in 2020 but I was too stupid to understand it. Revisiting it now, older and not so dumb, and it's pretty fun. Here's a pic of my monitor:



Life has been a bit overwhelming lately. I have been consumed with anxiety for most of this month. I haven't really been existing lately. I've started feeling better these last couple days, but I still just feel.. bleh overall. Been isolating myself (not from my closest friends) and spending a lot of time in my room with my cat when I'm not at work.

Sam got me out of the house and at the lake Friday, we were there for most of the day. Drinking, smoking, eating snacks, blaring music, getting sun, and swimming. Her friend Alex stopped by and the 3 of us chilled for a few hours. I really needed it, it helped me a lot. Lake days are almost as therapeutic as dancing all night in Houston.. almost. I miss dancing. Here's some pics from the lake:



Right now I'm hanging out with Kiersten, Korrin, and Cres in a call. I'm probably going to finish this and open up Fallout Tactics. I'm excited to go to Houston in December. I cannot wait to see my friends and be in Houston. I gotta try to plan it out better than last time. I felt so stretched thin between potential plans that I got anxious and just.. didn't make many. I suck sometimes. It'll be so much easier when I eventually move back, I can't wait.

Okay, that's enough rambling for now. I've been updating my home page and making it longer. I want to add a shit ton of stuff so you can scroll for a bit. Check it out. I have the next 2 days off to relax and enjoy some alone time. I will see you later.

"Just before I go to sleep, there's a rendez-vous I keep.
And, my darling, till you do, you are always in my heart."



EDIT 8/29: Okay, so, now that it's all done and taken care of, I can finally talk about this without shutting down from how nervous it made me. All the way back in April, when I was driving to the airport in ABQ to visit Houston, I got pulled over for going 80 in a 70 zone. It was in the middle of nowhere on a reservation. I could talk about how overzealous it was to pull me over for that, but that's a waste of time. Technically I was speeding, so, whatever.

I had no insurance and my registration was almost 2 years expired at that point. The cop that pulled me over was very nice and understanding. Obviously he couldn't just let me go, so he wrote me a few tickets. I assumed that I would pay them and be done with it, but he scheduled me a court date in May. I remember explaining my situation to him, that I was driving my dead grandma's car and didn't have the title in my name, blah blah blah. I didn't know why I had to go to court, but I didn't question it.

I attended my hearing a month later. The judge and cop that pulled me over just went over the traffic stop and I explained my side of things. They scheduled another hearing for 8/26, which was a few days ago. They were giving me a chance to get my shit together, and if I did, they would dismiss everything but the speeding ticket. I ended up getting insurance but I never took care of the registration. No excuses, I simply didn't do it. When things make me anxious, I tend to pull away, ignore, and avoid them as much as possible. That's my biggest flaw.

Anyways, the day before my hearing, I called because I had a few questions. When I told the woman about my hearing the next day, she looked it up and said "I'm not seeing you scheduled for anything". I was so confused since I vividly remember the judge setting another date. I asked what exactly I needed to do, even though I knew, just so I won't have to deal with any bullshit from this in the future. She said I just had to pay the speeding ticket and the registration ticket.

She said the ticket for no insurance was waived because I "showed proof", but I never did. I never emailed the proof to them like they told me to. I was planning to do that right after calling them, but.. yeah. I don't know! I just let that ride.. didn't question it. It was dismissed. I paid off my speeding ticket for $85. But when I went to pay the registration one, it showed a balance of $0? I need to check the website again and call back if it hasn't changed. Weird.

Anyways, yeah. That situation was slowly killing and eating away at me for 4 months, but it's finally behind me. I still need to get my registration taken care of, which I will in time. I'm just glad to be done with it. No more court, no more anxiety, yay.

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